I Worried Healthcare Providers Would Treat My Sexuality or Gender Identity, Not My Depression

By Met F. (they/them), living with depression

Looking back, if I had to pinpoint where my struggles with depression began, it would be around 12 years old.

I moved twice before starting sixth grade, and as you can imagine, entering middle school in a new place, without knowing anyone, was difficult.

I was already a little awkward to begin with, as any sixth grader would be, but then I started getting bullied. The bullying quickly went from bad to worse and I transferred to another school to try and get a fresh start, but the bullying continued.

During this time, I felt like I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling – but when I told my mom I thought I had depression, she quickly replied, “No, you don’t.”

Unsure of where to turn, I talked to school counselors, teachers, and anyone else I could think of to try and get help, but no one really listened. My depression was severely undeniable and I eventually decided to drop out. During this time, my cat, Jazzy, became my greatest confidant and was my reason to keep going.

I finally got my mother to accept that something was wrong, but even after seeking treatment from a doctor, I felt like I wasn’t fully living. I was just existing – cycling through different antidepressants, trying to figure out a treatment plan that would help.

I was around 27 years old when I was finally diagnosed with treatment-resistant depression (TRD). Hearing that diagnosis after years of trying different medications was extremely validating – it wasn’t my fault. It was that the medications weren’t working. This was also a turning point for my mom to understand what I was going through was very real and serious.

My TRD diagnosis was helpful and gave me more confidence when seeing a new healthcare provider. But, as someone who identifies as non-binary, I’ve always been nervous talking to new providers. I never want to feel judged or that they don’t take me seriously. I’ve always worried that they’ll try to treat my sexuality or gender identity instead of my depression.

If your doctor isn’t accepting or understanding of your situation, or being supportive and listening, I think it’s really important to remember you can find a new one. YOU are in charge of your care.

Depression is more than just feeling bad – it’s like a gray filter laid over all your senses. It’s a real illness that affects your whole body. But now, I can honestly say that even on the worst days, when it may not seem like it, there is hope that it can get better. One day you won’t have to live with parents who don’t accept you or listen to people who are mean to you. Now, I lean on my husband (and still my cat) to keep pushing forward. Through all the ups and downs, I wouldn’t have had the strength to keep going and find a treatment plan that works for me without someone by my side who believed in me and unconditionally supported me.

If you have depression and are having trouble finding someone to talk to or have a tough relationship with family or friends, my biggest piece of advice would be to get a pet. They will love you unconditionally, give you cuddles, and make you get up to care for them and get some sunshine.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, you are not alone and there is help out there. Click here for additional trusted resources and information created by and for the LGBTQ+ community.

Met is a volunteer with the SHARE Network, a Janssen Pharmaceuticals, Inc., program made up of people who are dedicated to inspiring others through their personal health journeys and stories of caring.